Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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