My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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