First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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