Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
