he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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