My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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