The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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