An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
