I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
