Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
this is an emotional support booty call
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
