i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
