i already hear my dad disowning me
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
