i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
