Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
