So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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