you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
