when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
