billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
