tonight lets celebrate not being married
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
