Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
