I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
