i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
