Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
This house was built for laser tag.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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