Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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