Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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