if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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