woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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