chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I woke up under a house in Key West
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
