U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
