So drunk, too bad you don't want this
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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