just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
