The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
