About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
