meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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