never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
