I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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