Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
