I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
