I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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