its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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