He is an equal opportunity slut.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
