The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
being pregnant is like rehab
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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