btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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