Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
