but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
