Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
