I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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