Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
