I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
