thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
